Redemption and Love

I've come to the realization that I haven't been myself for a while. I've allowed stress, apathy, grief, anger and all the emotions get the best of me. It's strange to admit but its true. I haven't been myself since losing my Dad. Now I know there have been glimpses of me, and moments where everything is fine and I am like me but being 100% real, is hard to come by. If its not grieving over Dad, its stressing out over work, or getting literally upset about the smallest of things. Not the me that I used to be. Not the me who would be able to find joy in every little thing and definitely not the optimist who used to want to take the world by storm.
Something snapped in my brain this week at church on Sunday, when the pastor spoke on forgiveness. I thought I had forgiven God, but as I am finding out, I have been holding onto bitterness for months. This week I decided to let it go. I'm tired of missing me. Missing my passion for everything. Missing my joy in the Lord and even missing the love I have for those in my life. Through letting go, I'm trying to get my physical and spiritual health back in shape. I began a workout I started in July and never touched again and pulled out a devotional that had been taking space in a box in my room. And man, when you ask God to move, he moves. Now its only been 2 days but man. God speaks loud. The devotional I've been diving back into the past couple days is just a short few chapters on Ruth, where God reminded me, my heart has been like Naomi. I had changed my self to be bitter and upset with God, knowing full and well that he ALWAYS knows best, ALWAYS.
But more importantly, he showed me the truest beauty that almost overwhelms me at times. He showed me and reminded me how His plans are always perfect for His Glory. He gave me my own Boaz, He gave me a protector who would care for my heart and mind even during this season of life where sometimes my mind is just plain evil. He put Elton in my life, to help me back up when I was sinking into the pits. He allowed Elton to remind me that I am loved when I feel most unlovable or even when I am acting like I am unlovable. I haven't been a wife for long, 3 months as of last Sunday, the Sunday where God showed up big, but I am so blessed that God allowed me the blessing of being Elton Trujillo's wife. I am forever grateful that 5 months after I decided I was going to marry this man, that Elton decided to let me know he liked me.

I'm so beyond words in how great and amazing my God is and how relieved that even though I fall short so often he still gave me the man beyond my dreams and more.

 photo creds: Jessica Sliger 

The Dude Man

For days I have been trying to find the words to say and for days no words would come my way. My father was a wordsmith. There is no telling how many times he has sat where I am sitting and written poetry for a obituary. He was a storyteller. He would start to tell you anything and the combination of his words and even how he would speak would wrap you in a spell and enchant you, especially if it was about something he had passion for, even extruters. He had lots of passions work, stamps, conquering the world, film, music, books, baseball, education, those in need but number one was always family. He was a man who loved, a man who loved well. Even if it took decades for his only daughter to win the title of favorite daughter.

Marcus David Carl. My father was a kind man. If we ever brought friends over to our home, he made them feel included and as if they were a new person. (Sorry Jessie for getting the worst new name, Jezebel is kinda tough lol) He wanted to share his passions with others. He coached little league baseball for years and luckily William loved it and played with him for years. Sharing his passion of reading Half Price Books became a fairly routine store for us to visit. Even when he and Uncle Mike owned their online bookstore, I remember fondly dad telling us kids to go to the book warehouse and pick out a book that we could take home. There are so many stories that come to mind with my dad sharing his passions but I am sure lucky and grateful he never tried to share his passion of stamps as much as he shared everything else.

My dad was a hardworker. I am pretty sure in his life he has held about 100 job titles, I may be exaggerating a little bit but to me he has. Most of his life he worked with family, which I always admired. I truly feel blessed in knowing that I was raised with getting to visit my dad and other parts of my family just by going to the scrap yard. The smell of dirt and metal still brings joy to my heart because it reminds me of family, reminds me of love and that's in large part due to my father being my father.

I am beyond blessed that I had a great father. You never had to wonder if he loved you because you could always feel it from, even if he wasn't speaking it at that moment you could feel it. He was a kind, loving soul that I am so blessed to be able to say was my father. He taught me so much in this life, he brought so much joy in this life. He was such a funny man, there were very few moments that were dull around him. His smile could light up a room and often times did.

My dad, my daddy, my father dearest, my popsicle, the dude man, left a lot sooner than I could have ever imagined and it hurts a lot. But God is still good, He is still on His throne, He still loves us and with His wisdom He planned perfect timing for all of us. God made sure David was home, which was huge. God allowed my Dad to just last time I was here, the beginning of the month to see Elton a second time but as my future husband. God allowed it to happen when all the Carl children were going to be in town. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but it does offer some peace in knowing that through some of the darker moments in life my God still loves fiercely.

My emotions are all over the place. Some moments are better than others and some moments are just stupid hard. But God is good, and I am beyond blessed to have been allowed my dad as my father.

The Longest Lesson

In the summer of 2011, I had a heart that was torn in pieces. I was fragile. I was house sitting for my hometown church's youth minister's family and I found some Christian book on relationships. I remember reading it and crying. I also remember hearing the song "How to Love" and feeling like the chance at love was over. But I felt as if God wanted me to know love was still awaiting me.
The following summer, I met an amazing guy and pursued him. I thought surely, this is the love that I'm going to have the rest of my life. Well, with infidelitiy comes the end of a relationship as well as trust. Once again I found my self broken, sad and angry. I tried to put myself back together again.
A few years down the line. I ached for that love that I swore I was owed. I fell hard for a guy and we were together for almost a year and a half. Lies began to reveal. Lies to me, from him and from myself. Heartache before breakups were becoming far too familiar. Hatred harbored in m heart for him, myself and God. Where was this love that I thought I was owed? I've been on random dates since then, but nothing stuck. I know partly I'm to blame because in want someone who is amazing but, I still hunger and desire for that love that I felt God promise me
Enter summer 2018. I got the opportunity last month to attend TGCW with my mom. TGCW is basically a giant Gospel Centeted conference with nearly 8,000 women on attendance. At one of the first workshops we attended, Jen Wilkins brought out the fact that the will of God is for us to be holy, to be more like Christ.  In a session with Kathleen Nielson I was reminded that "we aren't called to anything but to listen to Him and lead others to Him". John Piper ended the weekend by leading us through Deuteronomy 29&30. Through the passage God spoke and instructed that if we love him we will live. Love Him and obey and follow his commands and He will find delight in us.
Then I get to last Sunday, the sermon at Sojourn Montrose was about how the Corinthians were discontent with their current situation. But that they were called to serve God where they were and to be his hands and feet now, not later. So at small group, the topic of discontentment arose and I was real. I've been discontent in my singleness. Discontent in the fact that I am nowhere close to having a husband, nowhere close tending what is heavy on my heart.
All that leads me to today's message, on singleness. Enter the eye roll emoji. I knew it was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Yet, here were the huge takeaways.  1. No matter if i'm single, that is still my current calling. 2. If i'm desiring a marriage it cannot be for selfish reasons but for my relationship to resemble Christ's love for the church. 3. If I am to remain single it must be a life that honors Christ.
The biggest takeaway however was m biggest battle. God's love is far greater than any other love, especially the love that I believe I am owed. Even in writing this I can't help but laugh at how foolish I have been in thinking that God owes me a family of my own. God owes me nothing but death. My delight should be on Him and Him alone. My heart cannot and will not be filled by anyone but Christ alone.

So all that to say, I'm accepting the fact that I am in a season of singlehood. I'm accepting the fact that I don't know if it will ever be over. Because God has far greater plans that I could ever have on my own. It may have taken me seven years to learn and recognize but, I am grateful for God's grace that covers my sin and stupidity.

The Rivers Won't Stop

So, I wrote a really long blog a while ago about my trip and then the internet decided to destroy what I had previously written. Yay! So this is take 2.

Every spring break for the past few years my mom and I have taken full advantage of the fact that I have a Spring Break. This year I wanted to do something different. I wanted to combine kayaking and camping.  So this summer I did some basic research and discovered the Mark Twain National Forest in the Ozarks, more importantly, I discovered the Eleven Points River. The river best feature was the fact that it claimed to have several float camps which would make it ideal for a beginner float trip.

On March 10th my mom and decided to do a trial run on Lake Lavon. We took out our kayaks fully loaded with enough gear to last one night and 2 days and rowed for about a mile or so. The Lake Lavon trial went amazing, the lake was so serene and peaceful. The only issue we had was when we were coming back on shore and the banks were extremely muddy and I got my feet temporarily stuck in the mud. However we knew we were going to be ready for our adventure.

On March 12, a Monday, we began our adventure. Our shuttle driver told us about different sections of the river and how it was going to have a lot more features than we were accustomed to and even warned us of the rapids that were a few miles upstream of where we would end.  We were dropped off at a point 19 miles upstream of the truck and got to begin our kayak camping adventure.

The river was definitely different than anything we have ever paddled. The river was made up of hiding rocks wanting to knock your kayak around, to shallow waters that you had to literally scoot and clench your kayak across the section until you could go back to typical rowing, and then there were calm sections as well as swift moving currents. It truly was a river like none other that we had experienced.

Well towards the afternoon we had gotten to a float camp that we had initially thought we were going to camp for the night. Only downside, there was no easy ramp for our kayaks and the waters near the step ups were fairly deep making it an easy way to dump your kayak. So we decided to go to the next float camp that was only 2 or 3 miles away. We had been making excellent time so it would only take around an hour. After a bit of rowing we came across an extremely shallow section where we had to scoot and have a hardcore core work out in order to move our kayaks across the rocks. At that moment we were super grateful that we didn't chose to stay at the previous campsite because that would mean a serious core morning.

After our celebrating was over we came across another bend in the river. It gave us 2 options:
1) a shallow rocky area where we would have to essentially do crunches and scrape our kayaks across the rocks and fully engage our cores; Or
2) a swift moving channel that  had around 2 feet of kayaking space next to tree sticking out over the water on the left and a rocky bank to he right.

Obviously we didn't want to be as insanely sore so we went with option 2. I let my mom go before me so I knew the small channel would be possible, like the brave soul I am, and followed after her. Unlike her, I didn't make it as smoothly across.  The river was strong and had other plans. The current took the back of my kayak and slammed into the tree. I thought I could make it out still, I had ran into objects before but not with a strong current shoving my kayak. While I was trying to adjust and prepare my self to battle the current, the current shoved my kayak and myself under the water. As soon as my head was above water I grabbed hold of the tree branch that had just separated me from my kayak and screamed as loud as I could, " MOM!"

She had already pulled onto the rocky bank in the middle of the river. And we were both shouting at each other only the sound of the current was far too loud for either of us to hear one another. She kept waving arms but I had no clue what she was saying. She started walking towards me in the current. I turned forward to try and assess my situation and realized that my life jacket had caught on some of the smaller branches. I could not let go. I turn back and see my mom is no where to be found.

I'm holding onto the tree and am desperately trying to free myself. I try with my left hand and realize every time I move my left hand more water rushes into my face. I try with my right hand and I can feel the branches but I can't seem to free my life jacket because my hands were too cold. I have no idea where my mom is and am fearing the worst. I look up to the sky and of course there I no rescue helicopter. I have a billion thoughts  going through my head. Worried that if I were to die that my lesson plan for next week wasn't good enough for sub. Worried about my mom. Channeling my inner Jenny from Forest Gump and praying that God could turn me into a fish so I could swim away. I was terrified.

Then I saw her. I saw my mom in front of me on the bank. She climbed over to me, hands and feet on top  of the tree, telling me to let go. I told her I was stuck and she literally ripped my life jacket to save me. As soon as the jacket was free, I let go and the current took me to another tree that didn't have rushing waters surrounding it. My mom joined me and made sure not only I got to the bank but climbed up the bank on dry land.  She not only saved me but made it to where my kayak was not swept down the river. My dry clothes, medic bag and sleeping bag were all still in my kayak. She brought up my dry clothes and an emergency blanket we had packed and she told me to change while she would go retrieve my paddle. She made sure I was safe and dry and then helped me back down the edge of the bank to my kayak because we needed to get to the other side where the tent supplies were. I kayaked across while my mom still in wet clothes waded across. She started a fire and began to set up tent while trying to make sure I was getting warm. It was not until she finished the tent that she finally put on dry clothes herself.

My mom literally saved my life this week. I always knew she loved me, because it's kinda mandatory, but she risked her own life for mine. I did not survive our trip because I'm so awesome or my mom is a wilderness pro. I survived by the grace of God. That night and the days that followed my mom has talked a lot about what took place and both of us admit, we couldn't have done what either one of us did on our own. By the grace of God I'm alive. I did absolutely nothing to deserve this. But he also showed me not only His grace but His love. And how God's love for us knows no bounds. God loves us more than our parents do, so much that he sent His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus knew the pain and suffering he was going to have to endure but he did it anyway not because he had to but because He loved us. My mom didn't put me first Monday because she had to, but because she loved me. She didn't stop at just saving my life, she continued to make sure I was safe, dry, and okay. God doesn't just stop at taking away your sins, he came to give you a life more abundant, to truly know Him and delight in him.

TLDR: I literally almost died this week but by the grace and love of God, and by my momma turning into my own super hero, I didn't.

P.S. I'm not done kayaking, but I'm gonna hold off on the currents.

P.S.S there are a few pictures from our trip on Facebook, but I'm having issues loading them here.

But God...

Sometimes, life sucks. I am not going to even try and sugar coat it. Life can be hard. Life can be emotional. Life is life.

This month year has been hard on me. I am not going to pretend my life is perfect and easy as I write this because it definitely is not.
If you did not know, which you probably do not, I am no longer in a relationship with a guy that I was so convinced was the one. We broke up before Christmas and I thankfully did not see him over the break because of the fact that my family doesn't live in the same area that I do. I thought the fact that I wouldn't see him over the break was a good thing. Until I realized I would have to come back and he wasn't going anywhere. It hurt. Knowing I was going to have to see him again made me physically sick. And that my friends is how 2016 started, feeling sick and wanting to surrender and leave at any given moment.

But God, reminded me that I did not come and move my life to Houston for a man, but for an opportunity to serve and follow God in the city and neighborhood he gave me a heart for.

If having to see my Ex again wasn't enough, the same month my car broke down in the middle of a turn lane on an access road of a busy highway.

But God, knew it would happen!!! He sent a fantastic marvelous man who I do not know to help me back up my car (literally the only thing it could do) into a parking lot where it would be safer! God put Kaitlyn Vick in my life who's stepdad Termite knows the whole world and allowed them to not only calm my fears but figure out a solution for my car. Then he allowed me buy a car all by myself without a cosigner which was such a huge blessing!

When January was over, I was grateful. I thought February was going to be rough because I was single even though that was not my plan in previous months. However life had other curveballs. On February 13, 2016 I recieved some heart wrenching news that I was not willing to accept. Even now, I find it hard to accept though I know it is truth. One of the most amazing humans that I had such an honor of living life with, went to her forever home on high. Why God allowed for one of the best mentors in my life to be taken away from her boys, her family, her friends, her student, at such a young age, I will never know.

But God, blessed me with that friendship. Blessed me with those 4 amazing years of college being able to witness how amazing life can be lived. He gave me the ability to watch her raise up strong young men. He allowed her to introduce a passion for the Spanish language, a passion I did not expect. God gave me a fortress in human form to run to when college, life, relationships, whatever became to much. Amber Corley was one of the best things about Howard Payne and I will miss her greatly. But I rejoice that she is in a place where there is now sorrow and I rejoice in the fact that I was blessed to have her in my life, even if for too short of a time.

February has not ended and neither has the emotional moments. My heart is aching for family that is finding out their brother had a accident. My heart is breaking for a student I had in my student teaching, who loved his lemur Momo, who just lost his mom. My heart is hurting and at times I know I am just moments away from a breakdown.

But God, in Philippians 4:4 used Paul while he was sitting in jail to write the words, "Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say, Rejoice!" Life sucks sometimes, but God is still on his throne. God is still in control. God is still love. And if you find yourself in heart wrenching seasons of life like I have, its okay to breakdown. God is big enough, and strong enough, and loving enough to bring you through.

And alas, even when life is hard we are given the opportunity to live it. So I say to myself and to anyone who read this whole thing, "Vive tu Vida" live your life. Don't waste it with hate, with fear, with shame, or just plain laziness. Go out and live.

The Truth of the Matter is...

I can almost say that it has been a year since moving from the land of Brownwood and Howard Payne and all that is Blue and Gold to Houston. Now most people will tell you that moving on with your life is a new adventure but very rarely will people tell you all the sneaky difficulties. One of the most common difficulties that face a young adult a brand new young adult attempting to be independent for the first time ever is the realization of things like bills. Now there are many young adult who are reading this and are thinking, "spoiled much?" And I am not disagreeing. But there is just something about entering the real adult world for the first time that bills become an imminent reality. Now along with the difficulties of bills comes the ever knowing simple responsibilities like knowing that you don't have a meal plan and a friendly cafeteria lady named Margie that will say hello to you at any point you don't want to cook or spend "real money". Oh, and there are those pesky things called taxes where if you do them wrong you pretty much lose money.

But I'm not here to list out the everyday normal difficulties that every college grad and even those that graduate high school to enter the workplace right away didn't know. I am more concerned about the things I took for granted of in college and in life prior to moving on with my life. 

One of the biggest shocker that some recent "real adults" can agree with is its lonely. Not saying that I haven't found friends, because I eventually did. Just that it's hard. With college you are almost guaranteed at least one relationship (good or bad bad) as soon as you sign up to live in the dorms. In the real world especially living on your own no resident director has assigned someone to see your face on the daily. I can honestly say though that finding people that you can make real deep connections with is hard. College was a blessing for allowing me to meet amazing women who truly care for me and became the people I would turn to in times of trials and triumph. Well the trials and the triumphs still come, but without the same aspect of backup. Almost a year has gone by and I can honestly say that if something were to go wrong, as it has, there are only two people whom I feel perfectly fine with being emotional that reside in this city. Now the only downside is honestly,  one is about to rock it up at Concordia on a full ride and the other tends to have to go to work on the other side of the world every couple of weeks.  Now don't get me wrong, I know quite a few people. The thing is it feels that there are only a few people who really know me and who I really know here. 

I am still trying to figure out how to adult. I'm not really good at it. So most of the time I do fake it till I make it. However I feel it really should not be this hard. I feel like there is something missing in either the world or the church (meaning the body of believers) when it becomes a struggle to figure out life. Nobody said life was easy but at the same time we were not built to live this life alone. Meaning we are built for relationships. We are supposed to care for others and be cared about in return. But something some where is missing. And, I know it's not just that I am messed up. I've tried and still come up with empty hands. I have lived in the city for almost a year and I have had moments where I genuinely feel cared about but then the investment seems to have stopped. And it may be partially on my way of thinking but, then I look down and my phone tends to agree. 

I don't know what I'm trying to say at this point, I just know that I am tired. I have made it almost year in the city that I felt called to, in the school I felt called to, and I'm tired. I don't expect people to change and start caring the way that some of my amazing friends in different cities care, I am not expecting a true change in how I feel. However, I still look at this next year as a year of possibility. With one condition, I do need a summer break. 

Clothes, Coffee and Children

Initially when brainstorming what this post was going to be about I thought, there has been so many moments throughout the last four weeks where I feel that God has been moving hardcore so it was going to be impossible to put it all in one post. However, I feel like y'all can handle it! :)

Let me start off by saying  these past few weeks God laid it on my heart to be praying for boldness to speak his truth, to speak his love and his word to the people I may come across while serving in Houston. He showed me through one of my fellow missionaries and friend, Maria. Maria works right next to me as we do our service projects in the morning. She is in charge of the food pantry while I am in the clothing closet right next door. One day an older gentleman came through and I asked him, "Como estas?" (How are you?) and he responded that he wasn't good, in Spanish and then said lots of words I didn't understand. However I knew a few, like duele which is hurt. The man was hurting and in pain, and I just wanted to pray for him then and there but, communication got in the way. That evening I got to speak with Maria, who can speak Spanish and she taught me how to say, "Can I pray for you?" in Spanish. It also was heavy on my heart to begin praying to have Christ's boldness. A few days later, I saw the opportunity to ask a lady in the closet if she needed prayer, I was able to ask in English but the truth of the matter is, God gave me the boldness I needed.

I was so excited that God was giving me the courage and boldness to just ask people if I could pray for them so I continued praying for the boldness to speak when I need to, and for the words that needed to be spoken. Well, the following weekend, we went to Galveston to have a hang out chillaxing day. Somehow, I got it in my head that because we weren't in Houston that I was not going to be used in any way or manner and that I could just get a sunburn and have a fun time. Yet, God still moves! That evening we went downtown before heading back to Houston and at an icecream shop a group of missionary interns and I popped in for coffee. The guy in the front of our group was wearing an MCH shirt and being a talkative guy anyway started up conversation with the lady behind the counter. Well, when it was my time to order, all the other people in my group had already stepped outside to not overwhelm the small shop with their presence. Right as soon as I order my drink, the lady asks me why I am a missionary. Then she begins talking about her son who knows a lot about the bible and throughout the conversation she brings up words that at times can just make me shut down or zone out and not be focused in the conversation but by the grace of God I was still attentive. I go to pay for my drink and by that point God is still in charge so I ask the lady, her name was Jenda if there was anything I could pray for before I left and she told me to e praying for we husband Patrick to take the next step in his faith. So here I say now, be praying for Jenda and Patrick and their son that they can be faithful in following after God! 

Now, I'd be lying if I were to say that I stopped praying for boldness because I'm still praying and will continue to pray for it because its not in my nature to speak up about God, though I wish it were! In kids club we are teaching through parables. This week we had the privilege of teaching about being  persistent in prayer and about how when we go to heaven we won't have the things of this world so out focus shouldn't be on the attainment of possessions but on our relationship with God. Before going to our classes on Wednesday, the kids got to watch a skit about the second lesson. As Marcela was holding up the end of the line of our fun 7-8 year olds I was making sure that they were sitting close enough to the front and not causing to much chaos. Before all the students got into our corner of the gym, one of the little boys raised his hand and asked, "what is heaven?" Once again God was proving that he hears our prayers when we ask for opportunities to be bold! Then after answering that question, God allowed a statement to be made for me to lay out the gospel to them! Not super intensive but enough to allow them to hear God's truth! 

God is moving in Houston! God is faithful to his children! And just like the parable about the friend that is persistent to ask for bread, God longs for us to be persistent in asking for things, especially if it will bring Him glory!  So as I wrap up this long post, I plead y'all, to continue to pray for all that are here serving Houston and for the lives that we are privileged to come across! God is moving! God is here!    

 Also if y'all could be praying for next weekend! Every summer, MCH takes a group of teens and preteens to camp that have served in their center for about two days. At camp they will be hearing about the parable of the four soils in great depth and how it applies to their lives. Be praying for safety, for hearts to be softened and for God to move in the lives of these young people! 

Our God is great and I just thank you guys for your prayers!