The Longest Lesson

In the summer of 2011, I had a heart that was torn in pieces. I was fragile. I was house sitting for my hometown church's youth minister's family and I found some Christian book on relationships. I remember reading it and crying. I also remember hearing the song "How to Love" and feeling like the chance at love was over. But I felt as if God wanted me to know love was still awaiting me.
The following summer, I met an amazing guy and pursued him. I thought surely, this is the love that I'm going to have the rest of my life. Well, with infidelitiy comes the end of a relationship as well as trust. Once again I found my self broken, sad and angry. I tried to put myself back together again.
A few years down the line. I ached for that love that I swore I was owed. I fell hard for a guy and we were together for almost a year and a half. Lies began to reveal. Lies to me, from him and from myself. Heartache before breakups were becoming far too familiar. Hatred harbored in m heart for him, myself and God. Where was this love that I thought I was owed? I've been on random dates since then, but nothing stuck. I know partly I'm to blame because in want someone who is amazing but, I still hunger and desire for that love that I felt God promise me
Enter summer 2018. I got the opportunity last month to attend TGCW with my mom. TGCW is basically a giant Gospel Centeted conference with nearly 8,000 women on attendance. At one of the first workshops we attended, Jen Wilkins brought out the fact that the will of God is for us to be holy, to be more like Christ.  In a session with Kathleen Nielson I was reminded that "we aren't called to anything but to listen to Him and lead others to Him". John Piper ended the weekend by leading us through Deuteronomy 29&30. Through the passage God spoke and instructed that if we love him we will live. Love Him and obey and follow his commands and He will find delight in us.
Then I get to last Sunday, the sermon at Sojourn Montrose was about how the Corinthians were discontent with their current situation. But that they were called to serve God where they were and to be his hands and feet now, not later. So at small group, the topic of discontentment arose and I was real. I've been discontent in my singleness. Discontent in the fact that I am nowhere close to having a husband, nowhere close tending what is heavy on my heart.
All that leads me to today's message, on singleness. Enter the eye roll emoji. I knew it was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Yet, here were the huge takeaways.  1. No matter if i'm single, that is still my current calling. 2. If i'm desiring a marriage it cannot be for selfish reasons but for my relationship to resemble Christ's love for the church. 3. If I am to remain single it must be a life that honors Christ.
The biggest takeaway however was m biggest battle. God's love is far greater than any other love, especially the love that I believe I am owed. Even in writing this I can't help but laugh at how foolish I have been in thinking that God owes me a family of my own. God owes me nothing but death. My delight should be on Him and Him alone. My heart cannot and will not be filled by anyone but Christ alone.

So all that to say, I'm accepting the fact that I am in a season of singlehood. I'm accepting the fact that I don't know if it will ever be over. Because God has far greater plans that I could ever have on my own. It may have taken me seven years to learn and recognize but, I am grateful for God's grace that covers my sin and stupidity.

Real People (Relationships Part 3)

REAL PEOPLE have real emotions, real desires, real needs, real wants, real likes, real dislikes, etc., etc. And If we are being real here it’s important to realize what all comes into the fact that people are people.  The biggest thing about recognizing that relationship is about real people comes the realization that real people have real problems, real baggage, a real past, real hopes, and real fears. When we forget that relationships involve real human beings it’s almost as if we are back in that elementary school mindset.  Now, I know that I am not the only human that has every played the game house. If I am then I feel really bad for the rest of the world because that game was my favorite. When we forget that relationships involve real people we become the child I dislike most in the game of house, the child that somehow gave instructions on how to pretend to be human.  A lot of times I have to remind myself when “dealing” with other people that I can’t control them. As much as we’d like to try to be in control of others, it’s honestly a big joke. After all, we aren’t even in control of our lives. As much as we’d like to pretend that the world revolves around us it doesn’t. I am really bad about realizing that. So much of the time, we don’t want to actually own up to the realization that life consists of real people. One of my favorite things to do while driving, aside from pretending that some of the other drivers and I are on teams, is imagining where everyone else is going. It truly is people watching at its finest.  People-watching is always entertaining to me because it is one of the few times that you allow yourself to step out of your life and look into others.  However, in relationships with others we don’t just have to watch, but we can interact with our friends and loved ones. We have an opportunity to dive into discovering out about another person’s life without having to open up a magazine, or pretending!  But we can’t just look at the lives of those around us in a manner that we are merely people watching, we actually have an obligation to interact. So often we as people tend to think the world revolves around us. Which of course we know it doesn’t but we go and assume to look at life in the service manner where the rest of the world has to serve us. If we begin to open our eyes and realize that most people have an outlook similar to that then we should go forth and serve. We should listen to people that matter to us, there hopes, dreams, past failures whatever and actually care. When dealing with real people we realize that we can’t change them for our own desires, just be along their side for the ride and being there for when they need you. 

Sorry I haven't posted for a while, been spending time with mi familia as everyone was home for a few days. But I think you can deal with that because spending time with people is part of building relationships and working on them! :) 

The Real Truth (Relationships Part 2)

THE TRUTH IS, the truth is sometimes more powerful in a relationship than anything else. The truth can be broken down into many different things first is the simple fact that you don’t tell one another lies and then there is the truth that you actually open up to one another. Being truthful with one another is an important and powerful part of a relationship. It creates vulnerability and actually allows both people to connect on a deeper and more intimate level.  When you want a relationship to be real, there must be a realm of truth that is created. Though you may think you know someone because you can tell random strangers some information about them doesn't mean you really know some one. Just knowing likes and dislikes doesn't mean you truly know a person it just means you can read their facebook page and hate to break it to you but facebook friends aren't always the truest of relationships.  What makes a relationship actually a relationship is when both parties involved are able to be open and honest about their life, their desires, and their struggles.  Being open about those things can honestly make a relationship so much stronger, it may seem unreal. It’s hard to imagine that just the opening up of life can create such a stronger bond between two people but it truly does. The important thing is when you hear the other person’s honesty you have to realize what your role is in knowing the truth. Whether or not hearing it makes you desire to pray for them, end the relationship, guide them through the hard times or even be willing to be there by their side following them and being there when they need a shoulder to cry on or a hand to squeeze. Hearing the truth does not just give you another topic to talk about, but it allows both individuals involved in the relationship to be real. It's about knowing each other's lives and not telling lies. 

FOR REAL though, life is not about just the good days, but the good and bad days. Real relationships aren't just about take, but there is give and take.  There are different types of relationships in life however for the ones that matter the most to us I realized that there are really two main categories. There are one sided relationships and then there are two sided relationships.  If you want the relationship to be a real relationship that can actually grow then a two sided relationship is necessary. Without both parties giving the same amount into the friendship or even romantic relationship then the relationship can’t truly be real. Real relationships require both parties to be involved. There has to be give and take. You can’t just expect to be given everything you want in the relationship be it gifts, advice or attention and not do anything in return. And I mainly say this realizing that I have been on both sides of relationships that are one sided. Many a times, I have had people come into my life claiming to be friends or even great friends and then getting walked all over. It’s one thing to ask a friend for advice or help but it is another thing to never listen to them when they need the same thing. At the same aspect we all know those types of people that have one main conversational topic, themselves. And I am not going to point any fingers and say “SHE IS THE ONE THAT…” or even start going on about “HE JUST NEVER SHUTS UP..” no, not at all! In fact I think most people tend to be one sided in some of their relationships.  And I am not saying that people should never talk about themselves, I am just saying when you recognize that you are talking too much about yourself, it might be a good sign to ask about the other person.  To be real in a relationship you have to be willing to be two sided. No matter how much you like the sound of your own voice, which I must admit, I love how my voice sounds to me, you need to let the other side talk.  For a real relationship you have it’s important to realize it has to be two sided. Relationships aren't therapist and patients.  I think that far too much of the time we as people forget that relationships involve two living, breathing, REAL people.  If you seek a real relationship, we have to remember that we are dealing with real people.  

(My thoughts on relationships) - The Introduction

People that have actually read a lot of these blogs have realized that I am not the biggest expert on a lot of things, and one of that happens to be relationships. But not just relationships dealing with boys but relationships dealing with friends and family as well. A few weeks ago while flying back to Texas from Thanksgiving in Arizona, I started to write. Now I am not going to copy and paste everything I wrote then because I believe some things don't have to be written. Some things can just be examined throughout watching others live. Ultimately this post is written just for you all to know, what is probably going to become of this blog. And no, the title of the blog is not going to change. I feel that the name " The Beauty of It All" still has a lot to do with what I may end up posting. That and I really like the blog name! Without further to do, here is my new blog(s). And as it was when I first started writing these things, I am not expecting anyone to read it rather I am just wanting my words on a page and if people happen to read it, awesome. :)

I LOVE YOU three little words that hold so much power and at times I’m afraid to use and then at other times I’m throwing the phrase around like an old Frisbee to a dog. I say it to people who mean little to me but I am afraid to use the phrase when it comes to people who mean so much to me. 

MY MISSION is to write about love, to learn about love and relationships. To be the best friend, daughter, sister, and girlfriend I can be. I know that it may be a bit foolish to start this quest but I think it’s needed. I don’t think this will ever be in the hands of millions but I do think that just writing this will hopefully be able to help me transform myself and hopefully help me be and if ever the day comes others to be the best they can be. My mission in this writing quest is in a sense to discover how relationships should be. Especially since relationships are not my strong suit. 

MY CREDIBILITY. If you have to know the truth, I have no credibility not in the slightest sense. If you’d like to imagine that I am a family studies major with a minor in psychology feel free to do so! After all you are free to imagine whatever your little heart desires! You may like to know though that none of that would be true. Nope! The only credibility I have in writing this is I am a human from a family and I just happen to be In various types of relationships. So if you have gotten this far into reading this and would like to print all of this off and make it a book and throw it on the ground because I am no Dr. Phil, please feel free! Actually I would encourage you to do that if you are truly that upset that I am no Dr. Phil. However little credibility I actually have, I guarantee this may still hold a little more worth than that of an issue of a National Enquirer. I’ll actually throw in some truth. And for that, you are most welcome. 

So feel free to join me on this quest! Will anything actually be of any use to anyone? I have no earthly idea! All I know is I really like the thought of doing this even though I really don't have any credibility and what I say probably doesn't matter to you. But the truth is, I like writing out thoughts, and this is a good easy way to do it. 

My Biggest Flaw

I have decided that when it comes to relationships I truly suck at them. No lie, I really don't understand why either but whether it be friendship or anything else when it comes to me I am just really bad at having good lasting friendships. At least in my mind anyways. And I have a few reasons as to why I think I am really bad at actually maintaining strong long relations.

The first reason why friendships are so hard for me to maintain I believe comes from my lack of communication. I, for some reason or another, can never find the right words to say, or any words to say for that matter. It always seems that no matter what I wanted to say days or hours before seeing or texting the person the words just seem to inconsiderate, awkward, or just vanish back into despair. When I eventually remember on the words that needed to be spoken and be myself in that pit of despair when it comes to my mind. Besides from the lack of words that flow from my mouth. Comes the communication problem in which I get bored of texting people sometimes, or I tend to get aggravated that I can't focus on something else because my phone keeps vibrating because someone wants to talk. And I understand that when I become aggravated when people start the conversation, that isn't really being a good friend at all.

I think another big reason on why friendships come difficult for me in my mind, is because I set myself apart a lot of the time and seldom make myself involved in activities that my friends are doing. Which is really selfish on my part because I take the attention back on myself, and ask why they don't invite me, when I perfectly know that the offer is always there I just fail to acknowledge it. I really don't know why I can't seem to except the fact that people want me around sometimes when I know that they are doing something or hanging out nearby, but I just seem to think they don't want me around just like they don't want (Fill in the blank) around. I guess I just have that fear that if I am around people too much that I become the (fill in the blank) person. (now I guess I should clarify the fill in the blank person. Ultimately the fill in the blank person is the one that the group typically just really doesn't like but always seems to be around. The person that make the group moan and sigh when they happen to come around the corner. I know it sounds terrible but those people are out there) Once again, I know it sounds terrible  poor (fill in the blank) no one likes them, but its true. And I fear that I am half the time that person but people tend to be too nice or cruel in the world that we just allow that poor person to continue annoying everyone else and being talked about behind their backs. So I am a highly uninvolved friend when I am one out of fear, and partially the loner-ness that I tend to enjoy.

So onto reason number three. Which I think is one of the biggest reasons why friendships oftentimes are so hard. Because friendships are hard to define. There are acquaintances, friends, best friends, enemies, frenemies, associates, peers, classmates, and probably a lot more ways to define the people that enter and exit our lives at varying times. I just don't like the idea of categorizing those that come into my lives and have to decide what roles they play, because I fear if the can adequately fulfill the role or if they will fail and change roles quickly or even eventually. I just can't handle the term best friend anyways because they have such a pertinent role to play when you think about it. And sometimes the title just can't work for any and all people.

I am sure that there are more reasons to why I am so terrible when it comes to relationships but nothing else that I can truly expand on or feel like expanding on. I know that when I am in different locations I talk to different people more than others and when I wouldn't see a person I typically wouldn't talk to them as much as I should. Friendships are hard in my opinnion and happen to be one of my biggest flaws because I just don't know how I end up screwing up half of the relationships with other people in my mind and in real life. All I know is that it is a major issue with me.