My Biggest Flaw

I have decided that when it comes to relationships I truly suck at them. No lie, I really don't understand why either but whether it be friendship or anything else when it comes to me I am just really bad at having good lasting friendships. At least in my mind anyways. And I have a few reasons as to why I think I am really bad at actually maintaining strong long relations.

The first reason why friendships are so hard for me to maintain I believe comes from my lack of communication. I, for some reason or another, can never find the right words to say, or any words to say for that matter. It always seems that no matter what I wanted to say days or hours before seeing or texting the person the words just seem to inconsiderate, awkward, or just vanish back into despair. When I eventually remember on the words that needed to be spoken and be myself in that pit of despair when it comes to my mind. Besides from the lack of words that flow from my mouth. Comes the communication problem in which I get bored of texting people sometimes, or I tend to get aggravated that I can't focus on something else because my phone keeps vibrating because someone wants to talk. And I understand that when I become aggravated when people start the conversation, that isn't really being a good friend at all.

I think another big reason on why friendships come difficult for me in my mind, is because I set myself apart a lot of the time and seldom make myself involved in activities that my friends are doing. Which is really selfish on my part because I take the attention back on myself, and ask why they don't invite me, when I perfectly know that the offer is always there I just fail to acknowledge it. I really don't know why I can't seem to except the fact that people want me around sometimes when I know that they are doing something or hanging out nearby, but I just seem to think they don't want me around just like they don't want (Fill in the blank) around. I guess I just have that fear that if I am around people too much that I become the (fill in the blank) person. (now I guess I should clarify the fill in the blank person. Ultimately the fill in the blank person is the one that the group typically just really doesn't like but always seems to be around. The person that make the group moan and sigh when they happen to come around the corner. I know it sounds terrible but those people are out there) Once again, I know it sounds terrible  poor (fill in the blank) no one likes them, but its true. And I fear that I am half the time that person but people tend to be too nice or cruel in the world that we just allow that poor person to continue annoying everyone else and being talked about behind their backs. So I am a highly uninvolved friend when I am one out of fear, and partially the loner-ness that I tend to enjoy.

So onto reason number three. Which I think is one of the biggest reasons why friendships oftentimes are so hard. Because friendships are hard to define. There are acquaintances, friends, best friends, enemies, frenemies, associates, peers, classmates, and probably a lot more ways to define the people that enter and exit our lives at varying times. I just don't like the idea of categorizing those that come into my lives and have to decide what roles they play, because I fear if the can adequately fulfill the role or if they will fail and change roles quickly or even eventually. I just can't handle the term best friend anyways because they have such a pertinent role to play when you think about it. And sometimes the title just can't work for any and all people.

I am sure that there are more reasons to why I am so terrible when it comes to relationships but nothing else that I can truly expand on or feel like expanding on. I know that when I am in different locations I talk to different people more than others and when I wouldn't see a person I typically wouldn't talk to them as much as I should. Friendships are hard in my opinnion and happen to be one of my biggest flaws because I just don't know how I end up screwing up half of the relationships with other people in my mind and in real life. All I know is that it is a major issue with me.