Friday, December 31, 2010
December 28th 2010
Why is it that when I'm alone I start to think, usually think things that won't bring me in a better mood but just make me give up on all that is? I know I made the wrong decision when I said no the last time but I had hope that we could be soon. I hate that I can't be myself when I am around you and I hate that is scares me to realize that all those daydreams I use to have will never become a reality. We will never go to a batting cage and hit some balls. We will never go out on a fun and romantic evening. You and I will never go to the same college. You and I will never be. And it pains me to think that response I'll have to give when people ask about my first love because I know taht the story can only end in tears. Especially because I felt like I deserted you when you needed me the most. And I can't stand that feeling. I hate that fear of just hanging out with you because of the awkwardness that would ensue. I hat the way that I didn't act, the mere fact that I didn't say a word. I hate that things had to change. I hate just not knowing if I'll ever get to see you again. I miss what we had, and I know that we can never get it back.
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Katie dear, this is such a familiar feeling for me. When I find myself alone, a prisoner to my thoughts, I explore everything. I explore my heart, my brain, my wishes, my wants, my desires, my pain, my mistake, regrets. I long for a guy who will come over to my house just because i told him too. A guy who understand that sometimes i just like to be held and other times i dont. A guy that wouldnt have a problem coming over and just laying in bed looking at the ceilings, and talking and laughing. We would have no agenda for the day, no plans, we could just stay in bed and the world outside of us would blur. We could play games in the bed, or snuggle in the bed, or make goofy faces in the bed, we could scratch each others back in bed, or he would braid my hair in bed. YEEASS. where is that fellow at?
ReplyDeleteI really liked your last add on for him to braid your hair. :) And I just really hope I get a guy eventually, not rushing at all who's at least half of what he was.
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