Those Never Ending Regrets

I am a really terrible person, for some reason I can't bring myself to see him alone. It's just so many factors that leads me to deny myself to see him by myself. It could be just the current happenings and the recent news but I think it has also a lot to do with the past. I can't help but think of how close we were almost a "we" twice three times however due to my own insecurities I would always push it off until there came a point where pushing it off became pushing it off forever. And it makes me feel like such a terrible person because I know without a doubt he was my first true puppy love, real love, whatever. I just feel like such a jerk and an idiot that I continued to say no.

 

And on top of it all, I honestly can't help but think of the broken promise that was made in the beginning that I knew would break eventually, the promise that we would remain friends no matter what. But things got awkward, and they still are. As soon as I knew we had mutual feelings like that I froze, I couldn't be myself around him, I couldn't be around him. And every time I know that I need to see him, and that I should I just freeze up because I, don't want to feel hurt, I don't want to feel regret, I don't want to fear what I know is going to come. I feel like I made the biggest mistake I could ever do when I said no, while at the same time prevented my heart from having to suffer one of the biggest heartbreaks in the world. I know that I could be making an over exaggeration a tad bit. But that's exactly how I feel about it. I have to admit I honestly loved him for a long time, but my mind would always get in the way, when the magic words in question form were stated. I fear that this will be apart of me forever and a day, and I honestly think that my friend was right when she told me the first time he asked, when she told me "If you say no, you are going to regret it." And I know at least for now, that is in the boat I am in, and probably will be in for a real long time.

At times like these it makes me sad to say that I am officially an adult. Because it seems like just knowing that I am an adult makes every little action I make seem so much more real and yield more impact, and so much harder to run away and hide from. At times like these I wish for days in elementary school when sad days were easily made better and happiness seemed to beam and reflect to me in a single smile. I miss the days when things were simple. I miss the days that stress was inexistent, that regret lasted two seconds, and fear was only of monsters. I miss the days of innocence and naivety. I miss the days when I didn't have to know I would remember my actions for the rest of my life. I hate knowing that I won't ever forget any of this. That this had to happen at such a stage in my life where monumental events deal with people and not colors and toys. If I had one wish... I know what it would honestly be, but I know I would never go through with the wish, but it too would haunt.