I Need To Talk With You

One of the most terrifying phrases throughout my life has go to be the phrase, "I need to talk with you". I am usually an optimistic person however when those 6 little words are place just so and spoken directly to me, I cringe. And it's not just when people of authority say that, it's when friends or peers say that as well. It scares me, because as soon as those words escape the lips of the person presenting them, I start to think the worst.

A time I recall being scared out of my wits was when I got a version of those six terrifying words on a slip of paper to see the lovely vice principle in junior high. The first thing that popped into my head was, "Oh no, he knows I cheated on such and such homework, (probably math) and now, I am going to be kicked out of school forever". Thankfully that was not the case, I just got sent to the office for not writing my name on a bunch of papers in my Pre-AP English class. But no matter what the end result was, I can still remember my heart beating faster and faster, beads of sweat touching my forehead, and my mind running the full course of thought ending with my head on a platter for getting in trouble. Even though that day was so long ago, I still have similar feelings arise every now and then.

I hate it when that phrase terrifies me in the sense where the pain is not going to be for me. There are certain locations that I see every once in a while that flood back the memories when that phrase took its toll in an emotional way. I would get a text saying, those words that would always get my heart beating, force my lungs to forget how to function properly, and have tears start slipping down my cheek. Even now, just remembering those texts and how I would fear them, so much. Knowing that in a few seconds I would walk away from where I was and go and sit on that ledge and answer the phone call that would always seem to force the lie, "I am not crying" out of my mouth and into the airwaves.

Oh, how much I really hate that phrase. But then again sometimes, I find myself truly wanting to speak it to anyone that I think would be willing to listen and just tell them everything that runs through my mind. Just to almost release all the things that I have been wanting to say out loud. But still the phrase taunts me, because sometimes it's hard to truly find someone to listen, and sometimes it's difficult finding the ability to mouth those words much less make it have audible sound. And I don't know how many times I find myself lately how I really long to speak those despicable words.

Now don't get me wrong, sometimes people need to vent, and I am willing to listen, but every now and then, it would be nice to get a break from being vented to because I am only human and for some reason I am not built to handle the world on my shoulders and then my life at the same time. At this moment, I wish that I could be like Lucy from The Peanuts and decide when my hours are, though I think I would place myself on vacation for awhile. I just for some reason, can't handle all the bad in the world at this moment.
And I highly doubt whoever may read this will even get this far in reading it because it is ridiculously long especially when being compared to some of my more recent blogs. But honestly the end of this blogs are some words that have been yearning to be heard for some time now.

And if you are still reading this, I commend you for being able to listen to my mini-vent. I would vent a little more, but then again, this is the internet and what I type won't explode in a week or two if I had the desire to click the delete button. So thank you, and congratulations for being able to handle something that I can't handle right now, due to well, due to me.

Returning to Normalcy? I wouldn't mind it!

Sometimes, I just feel weird. Not weird as in the "Oh-Em-Gee, that kid's a freak" but the weird as in, the I can't describe it exactly but I know for sure it cannot be defined as normal. But then again, who even knows what normal is? Okay, so a bunch of the definitions provided by dictionary.com include the word average but how in the world are we supposed to know what average is in a world filled with billions of people? When it comes to feelings and emotions and thoughts and ideas, how are we as people supposed to know what is the social norm or status quo?

Needless to say, I still have just been feeling weird the past few weeks. Why? I have no honest clue, life just hasn't been as status quo for me as it has been in the past. I am not saying that life has completely and totally been terrible these last couple of weeks because there has been some amazing times with awesome friends. However I am going to admit that it hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows either. Because for some reason or another at various points throughout these weeks my mind has began to wonder and think things that I really wish weren't available to be in my mind. Things that truly shouldn't matter in the bigger picture but when I start to dissect life it just looks so huge and so imminent that it bothers me. And I have no clue why it is so much easier to type this all up and post in on a blog/facebook than actually talking to people about just feeling weird lately.

Then again, what is normal? Because truthfully, I have no clue. And if anyone ever discovers what normal is, please let me know.

But because a lot of this blog talks about normality, I shall end the blog with a musical I want to see so bad,

No Bueno blog

I have decided that self evaluations and fake nails are not my thing for the night at least. That said I am going  to know type a whole sentence without correcting myself. This I'd a reslly short blog becsyde I am tired snd I forgot sbout my blog snf I am typibg it on my pjone with fske nsils. If you can translate that then awesome!

English Love

One of my passions in life has got to be writing. Even though I may not be the absolute best at it, it is one of my passions. Every once in a while I have a gnawing thought that develops inside of me to write, whether be writing the truth, a short story, emotions or even the thought of writing a book. I just have this thought every so often that sometimes I wouldn't mind sticking author, or writer on to the end of my resume. I know it might sound silly, but every so often something will happen or I will be living life and all of a sudden, a scene in a story or movie will just pop into my head and sometimes I just follow it. I have this desire every so often as I did earlier this evening to write a book about life. Not something completely crazy or anything, but about life in general.

I have had several thoughts about what the general topic of the book would  be about and in my mind it would bring tears to the readers eyes, and laughs to their mouths. Yesterday, the idea on how to set out and write a book came randomly and I just thought, "huh, it would be a cool way just to make a blog a book. Have every new post a new chapter or something of that nature and BAM you have the beginning works of a book."  I thought of just making up a story and magically having a twist through out the blog, not just going and taking this blog and turning it into something. (Though I have thought about that before)

I enjoy writing and reading. I may not be the best but it is something that sometimes I just find myself longing to do, fact or fiction, random or provoked, it's just a part of myself that I happen to enjoy.

Scaredy Cat!

So I am not a fan of cats at all, partially because in intermediate school my cousin's cat hit me in the face, and partially because I am allergic.

Tonight, right now even I am spending time at Amber Corley's with Amber and Whitney Turnacliff finishing up and reviewing/preparing for our test at eight in the morning. After eating supper Whit and I decide it would be best to grab our gear out of our vehicles so that eventually we can prepare for bed. Well, I go to my car, and start searching for clothes that I am going to wear tomorrow, out of my giant laundry bag. When all of a sudden in the dark abyss of Early, Texas I feel a hit on my ankle, I FREAK OUT. Needless to say I glance down and instead of a monster ready to pounce, I see a cat. So I am not as terrified until, it leaps into my car and won't get out. (Mainly terrified that fur will be left in my vehicle and the next day my allergies will be going crazy and bezerk)

But now, I go back to work. So that we get sleep tonight eventually.

What is this feeling so sudden and new?

So just to be brief because I haven't been home longer than 5 minutes since 5:45 this morning. I am just going to state what is really on my mind and honestly it's friendship. There are so many different types of friendships in this world and I am not about to lie, I have been contemplating what type of friendship I truly have with certain people. It's hard to say but, a small part of me is wanting to scream out "that is not a true friendship at all" and then I feel bad for thinking that but everyonce in a while something happens or a thought process emerges and I find myself at square one all over again on what type of friendship this truthfully is. And no, in no way am I going to state the name of said individual, and in no way should you automatically assume it is you. In the right way at the right time, if the information with said individual needs to be shared it will. It just throws me for a loop sometimes, and I could be making something out of nothing, however I am none too sure.

Procrastinate!

I am a procrastinator. I wait until the last possible moment to start and even end things. I really don't know why I am a procrastinator besides the fact that a lot of things that have deadlines either come easy to me or are just extremely simple for anyone to do. The reason I am letting you know this is because it's one of the prime reasons my blogs are always posted twenty till midnight, or as is the case right now, a few minutes before I fall asleep. The thing about procrastination though, is it is not the worst way to approach a task. The worst way to approach a task is either not at all or giving up half way. And I am proud to say that this blog though I may procrastinate on posting until the last hour of my deadline, will never fail the goal of being posted everyday this year.