I Need To Talk With You

One of the most terrifying phrases throughout my life has go to be the phrase, "I need to talk with you". I am usually an optimistic person however when those 6 little words are place just so and spoken directly to me, I cringe. And it's not just when people of authority say that, it's when friends or peers say that as well. It scares me, because as soon as those words escape the lips of the person presenting them, I start to think the worst.

A time I recall being scared out of my wits was when I got a version of those six terrifying words on a slip of paper to see the lovely vice principle in junior high. The first thing that popped into my head was, "Oh no, he knows I cheated on such and such homework, (probably math) and now, I am going to be kicked out of school forever". Thankfully that was not the case, I just got sent to the office for not writing my name on a bunch of papers in my Pre-AP English class. But no matter what the end result was, I can still remember my heart beating faster and faster, beads of sweat touching my forehead, and my mind running the full course of thought ending with my head on a platter for getting in trouble. Even though that day was so long ago, I still have similar feelings arise every now and then.

I hate it when that phrase terrifies me in the sense where the pain is not going to be for me. There are certain locations that I see every once in a while that flood back the memories when that phrase took its toll in an emotional way. I would get a text saying, those words that would always get my heart beating, force my lungs to forget how to function properly, and have tears start slipping down my cheek. Even now, just remembering those texts and how I would fear them, so much. Knowing that in a few seconds I would walk away from where I was and go and sit on that ledge and answer the phone call that would always seem to force the lie, "I am not crying" out of my mouth and into the airwaves.

Oh, how much I really hate that phrase. But then again sometimes, I find myself truly wanting to speak it to anyone that I think would be willing to listen and just tell them everything that runs through my mind. Just to almost release all the things that I have been wanting to say out loud. But still the phrase taunts me, because sometimes it's hard to truly find someone to listen, and sometimes it's difficult finding the ability to mouth those words much less make it have audible sound. And I don't know how many times I find myself lately how I really long to speak those despicable words.

Now don't get me wrong, sometimes people need to vent, and I am willing to listen, but every now and then, it would be nice to get a break from being vented to because I am only human and for some reason I am not built to handle the world on my shoulders and then my life at the same time. At this moment, I wish that I could be like Lucy from The Peanuts and decide when my hours are, though I think I would place myself on vacation for awhile. I just for some reason, can't handle all the bad in the world at this moment.
And I highly doubt whoever may read this will even get this far in reading it because it is ridiculously long especially when being compared to some of my more recent blogs. But honestly the end of this blogs are some words that have been yearning to be heard for some time now.

And if you are still reading this, I commend you for being able to listen to my mini-vent. I would vent a little more, but then again, this is the internet and what I type won't explode in a week or two if I had the desire to click the delete button. So thank you, and congratulations for being able to handle something that I can't handle right now, due to well, due to me.