December 28th 2010

Why is it that when I'm alone I start to think, usually think things that won't bring me in a better mood but just make me give up on all that is? I know I made the wrong decision when I said no the last time but I had hope that we could be soon. I hate that I can't be myself when I am around you and I hate that is scares me to realize that all those daydreams I use to have will never become a reality. We will never go to a batting cage and hit some balls. We will never go out on a fun and romantic evening. You and I will never go to the same college. You and I will never be. And it pains me to think that response I'll have to give when people ask about my first love because I know taht the story can only end in tears. Especially because I felt like I deserted you when you needed me the most. And I can't stand that feeling. I hate that fear of just hanging out with you because of the awkwardness that would ensue. I hat the way that I didn't act, the mere fact that I didn't say a word. I hate that things had to change. I hate just not knowing if I'll ever get to see you again. I miss what we had, and I know that we can never get it back.

The Beauty of It All

Written 12-26-10

The beauty of it all is that no matter how screwed up I become, no matter how complacent I become that He still loves me. Though he won't always agree and enjoy my actions and behaviors He still loves me. Through thick and thin, the good and the bad, God still has great plans for my life. Though the world is not how man would like now, it was started as good. We just happened to do what we are best at, and ruin a lot of the good that was made and fail to recognize our actions of destruction and despair. Why must we do half the things we know is bad, wrong, stupid, immoral, rude, what have you, and mark them off as okay? Why must there be so much pain? Why do people my age and younger not have a home of loving parents they can go to on the holiday breaks? Why do young men have to stress on Christmas Day the fate of their loved ones? Why must disease destroy everything it possibly can and give youth only months to live? Why do we continually forget ? Why am I so ignorant, and apathetic and just plain rude?

But even through it all, the beauty of it is the love that exists, the care and hope that we can receive if we just merely ask.

Those Never Ending Regrets

I am a really terrible person, for some reason I can't bring myself to see him alone. It's just so many factors that leads me to deny myself to see him by myself. It could be just the current happenings and the recent news but I think it has also a lot to do with the past. I can't help but think of how close we were almost a "we" twice three times however due to my own insecurities I would always push it off until there came a point where pushing it off became pushing it off forever. And it makes me feel like such a terrible person because I know without a doubt he was my first true puppy love, real love, whatever. I just feel like such a jerk and an idiot that I continued to say no.

 

And on top of it all, I honestly can't help but think of the broken promise that was made in the beginning that I knew would break eventually, the promise that we would remain friends no matter what. But things got awkward, and they still are. As soon as I knew we had mutual feelings like that I froze, I couldn't be myself around him, I couldn't be around him. And every time I know that I need to see him, and that I should I just freeze up because I, don't want to feel hurt, I don't want to feel regret, I don't want to fear what I know is going to come. I feel like I made the biggest mistake I could ever do when I said no, while at the same time prevented my heart from having to suffer one of the biggest heartbreaks in the world. I know that I could be making an over exaggeration a tad bit. But that's exactly how I feel about it. I have to admit I honestly loved him for a long time, but my mind would always get in the way, when the magic words in question form were stated. I fear that this will be apart of me forever and a day, and I honestly think that my friend was right when she told me the first time he asked, when she told me "If you say no, you are going to regret it." And I know at least for now, that is in the boat I am in, and probably will be in for a real long time.

At times like these it makes me sad to say that I am officially an adult. Because it seems like just knowing that I am an adult makes every little action I make seem so much more real and yield more impact, and so much harder to run away and hide from. At times like these I wish for days in elementary school when sad days were easily made better and happiness seemed to beam and reflect to me in a single smile. I miss the days when things were simple. I miss the days that stress was inexistent, that regret lasted two seconds, and fear was only of monsters. I miss the days of innocence and naivety. I miss the days when I didn't have to know I would remember my actions for the rest of my life. I hate knowing that I won't ever forget any of this. That this had to happen at such a stage in my life where monumental events deal with people and not colors and toys. If I had one wish... I know what it would honestly be, but I know I would never go through with the wish, but it too would haunt. 

My Biggest Flaw

I have decided that when it comes to relationships I truly suck at them. No lie, I really don't understand why either but whether it be friendship or anything else when it comes to me I am just really bad at having good lasting friendships. At least in my mind anyways. And I have a few reasons as to why I think I am really bad at actually maintaining strong long relations.

The first reason why friendships are so hard for me to maintain I believe comes from my lack of communication. I, for some reason or another, can never find the right words to say, or any words to say for that matter. It always seems that no matter what I wanted to say days or hours before seeing or texting the person the words just seem to inconsiderate, awkward, or just vanish back into despair. When I eventually remember on the words that needed to be spoken and be myself in that pit of despair when it comes to my mind. Besides from the lack of words that flow from my mouth. Comes the communication problem in which I get bored of texting people sometimes, or I tend to get aggravated that I can't focus on something else because my phone keeps vibrating because someone wants to talk. And I understand that when I become aggravated when people start the conversation, that isn't really being a good friend at all.

I think another big reason on why friendships come difficult for me in my mind, is because I set myself apart a lot of the time and seldom make myself involved in activities that my friends are doing. Which is really selfish on my part because I take the attention back on myself, and ask why they don't invite me, when I perfectly know that the offer is always there I just fail to acknowledge it. I really don't know why I can't seem to except the fact that people want me around sometimes when I know that they are doing something or hanging out nearby, but I just seem to think they don't want me around just like they don't want (Fill in the blank) around. I guess I just have that fear that if I am around people too much that I become the (fill in the blank) person. (now I guess I should clarify the fill in the blank person. Ultimately the fill in the blank person is the one that the group typically just really doesn't like but always seems to be around. The person that make the group moan and sigh when they happen to come around the corner. I know it sounds terrible but those people are out there) Once again, I know it sounds terrible  poor (fill in the blank) no one likes them, but its true. And I fear that I am half the time that person but people tend to be too nice or cruel in the world that we just allow that poor person to continue annoying everyone else and being talked about behind their backs. So I am a highly uninvolved friend when I am one out of fear, and partially the loner-ness that I tend to enjoy.

So onto reason number three. Which I think is one of the biggest reasons why friendships oftentimes are so hard. Because friendships are hard to define. There are acquaintances, friends, best friends, enemies, frenemies, associates, peers, classmates, and probably a lot more ways to define the people that enter and exit our lives at varying times. I just don't like the idea of categorizing those that come into my lives and have to decide what roles they play, because I fear if the can adequately fulfill the role or if they will fail and change roles quickly or even eventually. I just can't handle the term best friend anyways because they have such a pertinent role to play when you think about it. And sometimes the title just can't work for any and all people.

I am sure that there are more reasons to why I am so terrible when it comes to relationships but nothing else that I can truly expand on or feel like expanding on. I know that when I am in different locations I talk to different people more than others and when I wouldn't see a person I typically wouldn't talk to them as much as I should. Friendships are hard in my opinnion and happen to be one of my biggest flaws because I just don't know how I end up screwing up half of the relationships with other people in my mind and in real life. All I know is that it is a major issue with me.

Why not?

So after looking at several other blogs, I thought to myself... Why not? I mean blogs are being used everyday as a source of information and just to waste away the hours of the day. I guess this post is my way to say "Hello World!" Because though I highly doubt people will read this, I know that I can use this whether for my own sanity or my own amusement. And I guess it helps that I like to write, it is one of my hobbies even if my grammar  is at the level of a twelve year old half of the time. So here it is my blog to say, I have a blog due to boredom, curiosity and because I can. Yay blogger and more than likely much more to come in the future, or even as soon as I post this one just to truly discover what I can get out of this. THE END!   :)