Sunday, July 1, 2018

The Longest Lesson

In the summer of 2011, I had a heart that was torn in pieces. I was fragile. I was house sitting for my hometown church's youth minister's family and I found some Christian book on relationships. I remember reading it and crying. I also remember hearing the song "How to Love" and feeling like the chance at love was over. But I felt as if God wanted me to know love was still awaiting me.
The following summer, I met an amazing guy and pursued him. I thought surely, this is the love that I'm going to have the rest of my life. Well, with infidelitiy comes the end of a relationship as well as trust. Once again I found my self broken, sad and angry. I tried to put myself back together again.
A few years down the line. I ached for that love that I swore I was owed. I fell hard for a guy and we were together for almost a year and a half. Lies began to reveal. Lies to me, from him and from myself. Heartache before breakups were becoming far too familiar. Hatred harbored in m heart for him, myself and God. Where was this love that I thought I was owed? I've been on random dates since then, but nothing stuck. I know partly I'm to blame because in want someone who is amazing but, I still hunger and desire for that love that I felt God promise me
Enter summer 2018. I got the opportunity last month to attend TGCW with my mom. TGCW is basically a giant Gospel Centeted conference with nearly 8,000 women on attendance. At one of the first workshops we attended, Jen Wilkins brought out the fact that the will of God is for us to be holy, to be more like Christ.  In a session with Kathleen Nielson I was reminded that "we aren't called to anything but to listen to Him and lead others to Him". John Piper ended the weekend by leading us through Deuteronomy 29&30. Through the passage God spoke and instructed that if we love him we will live. Love Him and obey and follow his commands and He will find delight in us.
Then I get to last Sunday, the sermon at Sojourn Montrose was about how the Corinthians were discontent with their current situation. But that they were called to serve God where they were and to be his hands and feet now, not later. So at small group, the topic of discontentment arose and I was real. I've been discontent in my singleness. Discontent in the fact that I am nowhere close to having a husband, nowhere close tending what is heavy on my heart.
All that leads me to today's message, on singleness. Enter the eye roll emoji. I knew it was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Yet, here were the huge takeaways.  1. No matter if i'm single, that is still my current calling. 2. If i'm desiring a marriage it cannot be for selfish reasons but for my relationship to resemble Christ's love for the church. 3. If I am to remain single it must be a life that honors Christ.
The biggest takeaway however was m biggest battle. God's love is far greater than any other love, especially the love that I believe I am owed. Even in writing this I can't help but laugh at how foolish I have been in thinking that God owes me a family of my own. God owes me nothing but death. My delight should be on Him and Him alone. My heart cannot and will not be filled by anyone but Christ alone.

So all that to say, I'm accepting the fact that I am in a season of singlehood. I'm accepting the fact that I don't know if it will ever be over. Because God has far greater plans that I could ever have on my own. It may have taken me seven years to learn and recognize but, I am grateful for God's grace that covers my sin and stupidity.

Thursday, March 15, 2018

The Rivers Won't Stop

So, I wrote a really long blog a while ago about my trip and then the internet decided to destroy what I had previously written. Yay! So this is take 2.

Every spring break for the past few years my mom and I have taken full advantage of the fact that I have a Spring Break. This year I wanted to do something different. I wanted to combine kayaking and camping.  So this summer I did some basic research and discovered the Mark Twain National Forest in the Ozarks, more importantly, I discovered the Eleven Points River. The river best feature was the fact that it claimed to have several float camps which would make it ideal for a beginner float trip.

On March 10th my mom and decided to do a trial run on Lake Lavon. We took out our kayaks fully loaded with enough gear to last one night and 2 days and rowed for about a mile or so. The Lake Lavon trial went amazing, the lake was so serene and peaceful. The only issue we had was when we were coming back on shore and the banks were extremely muddy and I got my feet temporarily stuck in the mud. However we knew we were going to be ready for our adventure.

On March 12, a Monday, we began our adventure. Our shuttle driver told us about different sections of the river and how it was going to have a lot more features than we were accustomed to and even warned us of the rapids that were a few miles upstream of where we would end.  We were dropped off at a point 19 miles upstream of the truck and got to begin our kayak camping adventure.

The river was definitely different than anything we have ever paddled. The river was made up of hiding rocks wanting to knock your kayak around, to shallow waters that you had to literally scoot and clench your kayak across the section until you could go back to typical rowing, and then there were calm sections as well as swift moving currents. It truly was a river like none other that we had experienced.

Well towards the afternoon we had gotten to a float camp that we had initially thought we were going to camp for the night. Only downside, there was no easy ramp for our kayaks and the waters near the step ups were fairly deep making it an easy way to dump your kayak. So we decided to go to the next float camp that was only 2 or 3 miles away. We had been making excellent time so it would only take around an hour. After a bit of rowing we came across an extremely shallow section where we had to scoot and have a hardcore core work out in order to move our kayaks across the rocks. At that moment we were super grateful that we didn't chose to stay at the previous campsite because that would mean a serious core morning.

After our celebrating was over we came across another bend in the river. It gave us 2 options:
1) a shallow rocky area where we would have to essentially do crunches and scrape our kayaks across the rocks and fully engage our cores; Or
2) a swift moving channel that  had around 2 feet of kayaking space next to tree sticking out over the water on the left and a rocky bank to he right.

Obviously we didn't want to be as insanely sore so we went with option 2. I let my mom go before me so I knew the small channel would be possible, like the brave soul I am, and followed after her. Unlike her, I didn't make it as smoothly across.  The river was strong and had other plans. The current took the back of my kayak and slammed into the tree. I thought I could make it out still, I had ran into objects before but not with a strong current shoving my kayak. While I was trying to adjust and prepare my self to battle the current, the current shoved my kayak and myself under the water. As soon as my head was above water I grabbed hold of the tree branch that had just separated me from my kayak and screamed as loud as I could, " MOM!"

She had already pulled onto the rocky bank in the middle of the river. And we were both shouting at each other only the sound of the current was far too loud for either of us to hear one another. She kept waving arms but I had no clue what she was saying. She started walking towards me in the current. I turned forward to try and assess my situation and realized that my life jacket had caught on some of the smaller branches. I could not let go. I turn back and see my mom is no where to be found.

I'm holding onto the tree and am desperately trying to free myself. I try with my left hand and realize every time I move my left hand more water rushes into my face. I try with my right hand and I can feel the branches but I can't seem to free my life jacket because my hands were too cold. I have no idea where my mom is and am fearing the worst. I look up to the sky and of course there I no rescue helicopter. I have a billion thoughts  going through my head. Worried that if I were to die that my lesson plan for next week wasn't good enough for sub. Worried about my mom. Channeling my inner Jenny from Forest Gump and praying that God could turn me into a fish so I could swim away. I was terrified.

Then I saw her. I saw my mom in front of me on the bank. She climbed over to me, hands and feet on top  of the tree, telling me to let go. I told her I was stuck and she literally ripped my life jacket to save me. As soon as the jacket was free, I let go and the current took me to another tree that didn't have rushing waters surrounding it. My mom joined me and made sure not only I got to the bank but climbed up the bank on dry land.  She not only saved me but made it to where my kayak was not swept down the river. My dry clothes, medic bag and sleeping bag were all still in my kayak. She brought up my dry clothes and an emergency blanket we had packed and she told me to change while she would go retrieve my paddle. She made sure I was safe and dry and then helped me back down the edge of the bank to my kayak because we needed to get to the other side where the tent supplies were. I kayaked across while my mom still in wet clothes waded across. She started a fire and began to set up tent while trying to make sure I was getting warm. It was not until she finished the tent that she finally put on dry clothes herself.

My mom literally saved my life this week. I always knew she loved me, because it's kinda mandatory, but she risked her own life for mine. I did not survive our trip because I'm so awesome or my mom is a wilderness pro. I survived by the grace of God. That night and the days that followed my mom has talked a lot about what took place and both of us admit, we couldn't have done what either one of us did on our own. By the grace of God I'm alive. I did absolutely nothing to deserve this. But he also showed me not only His grace but His love. And how God's love for us knows no bounds. God loves us more than our parents do, so much that he sent His one and only son to die on the cross for our sins. Jesus knew the pain and suffering he was going to have to endure but he did it anyway not because he had to but because He loved us. My mom didn't put me first Monday because she had to, but because she loved me. She didn't stop at just saving my life, she continued to make sure I was safe, dry, and okay. God doesn't just stop at taking away your sins, he came to give you a life more abundant, to truly know Him and delight in him.

TLDR: I literally almost died this week but by the grace and love of God, and by my momma turning into my own super hero, I didn't.

P.S. I'm not done kayaking, but I'm gonna hold off on the currents.

P.S.S there are a few pictures from our trip on Facebook, but I'm having issues loading them here.