The Longest Lesson

In the summer of 2011, I had a heart that was torn in pieces. I was fragile. I was house sitting for my hometown church's youth minister's family and I found some Christian book on relationships. I remember reading it and crying. I also remember hearing the song "How to Love" and feeling like the chance at love was over. But I felt as if God wanted me to know love was still awaiting me.
The following summer, I met an amazing guy and pursued him. I thought surely, this is the love that I'm going to have the rest of my life. Well, with infidelitiy comes the end of a relationship as well as trust. Once again I found my self broken, sad and angry. I tried to put myself back together again.
A few years down the line. I ached for that love that I swore I was owed. I fell hard for a guy and we were together for almost a year and a half. Lies began to reveal. Lies to me, from him and from myself. Heartache before breakups were becoming far too familiar. Hatred harbored in m heart for him, myself and God. Where was this love that I thought I was owed? I've been on random dates since then, but nothing stuck. I know partly I'm to blame because in want someone who is amazing but, I still hunger and desire for that love that I felt God promise me
Enter summer 2018. I got the opportunity last month to attend TGCW with my mom. TGCW is basically a giant Gospel Centeted conference with nearly 8,000 women on attendance. At one of the first workshops we attended, Jen Wilkins brought out the fact that the will of God is for us to be holy, to be more like Christ.  In a session with Kathleen Nielson I was reminded that "we aren't called to anything but to listen to Him and lead others to Him". John Piper ended the weekend by leading us through Deuteronomy 29&30. Through the passage God spoke and instructed that if we love him we will live. Love Him and obey and follow his commands and He will find delight in us.
Then I get to last Sunday, the sermon at Sojourn Montrose was about how the Corinthians were discontent with their current situation. But that they were called to serve God where they were and to be his hands and feet now, not later. So at small group, the topic of discontentment arose and I was real. I've been discontent in my singleness. Discontent in the fact that I am nowhere close to having a husband, nowhere close tending what is heavy on my heart.
All that leads me to today's message, on singleness. Enter the eye roll emoji. I knew it was coming and I was not looking forward to it. Yet, here were the huge takeaways.  1. No matter if i'm single, that is still my current calling. 2. If i'm desiring a marriage it cannot be for selfish reasons but for my relationship to resemble Christ's love for the church. 3. If I am to remain single it must be a life that honors Christ.
The biggest takeaway however was m biggest battle. God's love is far greater than any other love, especially the love that I believe I am owed. Even in writing this I can't help but laugh at how foolish I have been in thinking that God owes me a family of my own. God owes me nothing but death. My delight should be on Him and Him alone. My heart cannot and will not be filled by anyone but Christ alone.

So all that to say, I'm accepting the fact that I am in a season of singlehood. I'm accepting the fact that I don't know if it will ever be over. Because God has far greater plans that I could ever have on my own. It may have taken me seven years to learn and recognize but, I am grateful for God's grace that covers my sin and stupidity.